stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
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Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
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Everything reminds me of my ex
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed