Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
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Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels