stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
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Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
I’m confused about plants
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”