[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
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Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
my astrological sign is a french fry
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
The two types of wives
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha