stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
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And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
*drops ice cube*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
me: stop it
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.