stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
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fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
My Sentiments Exactly
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?