Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
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Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”