{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
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The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
pat pat
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.