t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
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People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
ME: I said, nice squid
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?