Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
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2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.