@SoWeirditsCool

Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.

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@BruceForce

t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t

~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.

@fatherofcomedy

People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.

@TheSharona06

Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.

@daemonic3

[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”

[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

@TylerLinkin

My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.

@Shariv67

We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”

@Reverend_Scott

WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.

ME: Ok, I will.

[later that day]

ME: I quit

BOSS: WHAT??

ME: I said, nice squid

@boobill

Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,

ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?

@joelu72

DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?