@mariana057

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.

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@carlyken

My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”

@TheTweetOfGod

Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.

@LizHackett

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

@RdrJay47

Her: Are you getting off early today?

Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!

@JennyJohnsonHi5

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

@my_minivan_life

8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.

@AnkCoupleTO

PRO TIP:

Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you

@greenmartinis

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

@EdgarPoop1

Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.