@BeaniesLittle Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
@mariana057 Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
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@BeaniesLittle 
@Cheeseboy22 Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
@tastefactory DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
@jctwritesstuff *has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
@LurkAtHomeMom Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
@GabbbarSingh The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
@AshenMistHeart Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
@GrumpyBahr Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
@MohitSharmaSays I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
@ericsshadow CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.