Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.

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My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”


Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.


Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.


Her: Are you getting off early today?



All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.


8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.



Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you


I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.


Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.