Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
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The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.