stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
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[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old