Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!

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7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:


“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”


Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.


Do you smell smoke?

I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.


Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.


Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?


I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.


“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.


My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place