Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who are bad at hiding, I see you

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.

Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”

Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”

Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.

Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.

Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on

Dear Diary,

I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.

Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.

People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.

7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.

“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos

Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.

WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.

ME: Ugh fine.

[later]

WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?

ME: His name is torch now.

Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.

#SuperBowl

I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox

I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.

My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.

The fall of Netflix

*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*

(raises arms in the air)

Ta-da!

If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?

There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.

I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

Me: Time to relax and get into bed!

The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?

Me: Yes, obviously.