Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
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Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.