Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*

dictator is short for richard potato

Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head

VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.

ME: I can’t run either.

asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest

When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.

Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!

I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.

[20 minutes after it stops raining]

ME: *turns off windshield wipers*

[first date]

Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.

Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.

A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge

I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog

King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again

King’s horses:

A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.

Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder

Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.

Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost

This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.

Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…

You can’t have it both ways mate

I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba

Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart

I guess we don’t have a roomba

Me: I love you so much

Calories: I love you more

Direct deposit: +1400

Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice

mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.

ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse

FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?

ME: grow up Kalvin

Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.

gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”

omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo