Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
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Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )