stand with me against insufficient seating
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*