[Standards Bar]

Politician: Make it a double.

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Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.


I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.


Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.


“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”


God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes

Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?

God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!

Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-



A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.


*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…


Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom


[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope