[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
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DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney