[Standards Bar]

Politician: Make it a double.

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Coworker: You look angry.

Me: I’m not.

CW: Really angry.



I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that


Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.


One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house


If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.


“It’s been a bit of a day”

Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”


Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?


(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)


I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there


“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.