@clichedout

[Standards Bar]

Politician: Make it a double.

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@theshantilly

Coworker: You look angry.

Me: I’m not.

CW: Really angry.

Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE

@wolfmannjr

I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that

@Gorrdano

Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.

@MayorOfAsstown

One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house

@JJSummertime

If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.

@SoVeryBritish

“It’s been a bit of a day”

Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”

@sixfootcandy

Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?

@Merman_Melville

(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)

@jshbck

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

@rickygervais

“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.