[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
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Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.