[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
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Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.