[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”

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I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything


please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind


My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.


Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.


Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…

‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’


Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.


FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.


[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal


[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!


me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”