Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
You Might Also Like
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
spot the difference
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?