Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
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(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
DOOO EEEET
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
“Wait, let me explain..”
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes