Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
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“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
No Google it does not
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.