@ShesAllNat

Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”

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@aparnapkin

Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks

@Smethanie

Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.

@CuddleYourCat

The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .

@brokemycoccyx

Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.

Don’t make this weird…

@zacharyflynn

If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.

@TheTweetOfGod

“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.

@Reverend_Scott

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.