@aparnapkin Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
@ShesAllNat Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
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@aparnapkin 
@bodybycheezits “Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
@Smethanie Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
@CuddleYourCat The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
@IamEnidColeslaw life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
@brokemycoccyx Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
@DartsBofficial I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
@zacharyflynn If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
@TheTweetOfGod “Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
@Reverend_Scott Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.