Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
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Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Good boy 😂😂
(True)
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.