Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
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I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
BETRAYAL
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
