(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
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“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.