@Gupton68 My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
@banged_upCanuck Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
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@Gupton68 
@bourgeoisalien I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
@notalogin A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
@Mom_Overboard [during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
@tigersgoroooar Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
@Gupton68 I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
@ThisLocalHater Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
@roastmalone_ of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
@TheMichaelMoran Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
@Writepop My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.