Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
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If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.