Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
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FRED: right
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Me :
All Day At Night
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.