@banged_upCanuck

Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”

I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”

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@Gupton68

My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.

@bourgeoisalien

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

@notalogin

A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”

@Mom_Overboard

[during sex]

Him: punish me baby

Me: OK *hides the TV remote*

Him: that’s not what i m—

Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*

Him: omg please, stop

@tigersgoroooar

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.

@Gupton68

I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.

@roastmalone_

of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten

@Writepop

My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.