Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”

I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”

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My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.


I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.


A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”


[during sex]

Him: punish me baby

Me: OK *hides the TV remote*

Him: that’s not what i m—

Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*

Him: omg please, stop


Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.


I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.


of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten


My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.