*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
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Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Feels like there should be a middle ground
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’