Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
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“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night