Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
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You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
my one true gender
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Interior design 👌
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
This classic never gets old . . .
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.