(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
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I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Me recordaron éste meme
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.