*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
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Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*