@squirrel74wkgn

[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.

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@lovemydogduck

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

@saidpac

Me: Can I have $5?

Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?

@murrman5

[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”

@Tobi_Is_Fab

i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”

@beefman138

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

@BeerFarts101

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

@Nonnie_Linda

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

@Cpin42

Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.