*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
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There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
fired
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
#FunnyLife Insects
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Can Happiness buy money?
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut