*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
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So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Dance like you’re not the father
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes