Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
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You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!