*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
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Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.