*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
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Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?