*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
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Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Terribly Tuesday.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list