Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
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nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves