@rickolantern

*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes

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@OctopusCaveman

Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?

@dannyschof81

nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.

@MaraWilson

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

@MomOnFire

When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.

@wolfmannjr

*walks into Apple store

“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”

*walks out of Apple store

@ju_floripa

If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday

@KateWhineHall

“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”

-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.

@NYC_Blonde

Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily

@TheHyyyype

“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves