I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
You Might Also Like
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods