@rickolantern

*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes

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@jackies_backie

I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.

@HeyoShellz

Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader

@traciebreaux

Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

@PaperWash

Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks

@SassyChantelle

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

@ArfMeasures

Son: Daddy, when does this end?

Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death

Son: I mean when does this party end?

Me: 7.30

@tiemoose

am i a vampire? i :

– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake

@dangotoole

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.

@thatdutchperson

*strips naked*

“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?

@stop_sweeps_atx

a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods