*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
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well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.