*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
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The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one