*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
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If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
💁🏻♂️
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free