Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
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a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
what
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset