Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany

Sooo many times…..

I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?

Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*

I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!

Me: hold on are you—

roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:

Me:—Bob Ross?

Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.

Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on

If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.

I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.

ME: i trained this chicken to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: what’s a male deer

CHICKEN: buck

ME: how much is 200 pennies

CHICKEN: buck buck

HER: this sucks

ME: it gets better

CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year

Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!

Me: Good luck with that.

(4am)

Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.

Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.

Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Let’s settle this like adults.

Rock, paper, scissors.

[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!

My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?

You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!

My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

Happy Thanksgiving

Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?

If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing

The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.

Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb

*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?