Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
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I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”