Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
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All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
happy mother’s day❤️
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour