Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
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To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.