I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
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Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*
Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Cat: What are you doing?
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!