@bug_deal

Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???

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@SLNerf_Herder

I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?

@GrantTanaka

[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]

@dshack8

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

@SlipperySecret

Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.

@clichedout

They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.

Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.

@druuuck

Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*

Mom: what was that?!

God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*

@ArielDumas

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.

@awkwardphilippe

“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter

@ParasiteHilton

*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*

@MikeDrucker

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!