Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
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CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
choose your fighter
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting