[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
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sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.