Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

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That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive


Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.


If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.


‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’


“I need a synonym for equivalence.”


“Yes a synonym.”

“Synonym is the word.”

“It is and I need one for equivalence.”

“It’s synonym.”

“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”


“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”


People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.


The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.


NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.

Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.

I win.


[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]


If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.