@iLikeCatShirts

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

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@DougBenson

That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive

@VocabuLarry

Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.

@noog

If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.

@pauleggleston

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

@JimmerThatisAll

“I need a synonym for equivalence.”

“Synonym.”

“Yes a synonym.”

“Synonym is the word.”

“It is and I need one for equivalence.”

“It’s synonym.”

“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”

“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”

“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”

@AbbyHasIssues

People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.

@AngieDavisHaha

The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.

@HlaoRoo

NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.

Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.

I win.

@KyleMcDowell86

[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]

@Tmoney68

If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.