Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
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My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
when you are just born a rebel
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread