Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
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You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.