@Cornjerker78

Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.

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@deephora_

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

@leyawn

me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do

@dafloydsta

WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down

ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS

@Fred_Delicious

[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]

@venomjunkie2

I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.

@inojperez

“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.

@Thateverydayguy

The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus

@Matt_The_1st

Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.

@Xalqee

” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium

@lisaxy424

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.