Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
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I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Does your wife know you’re single?
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back