Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
You Might Also Like
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.