Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
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I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
🐕🍷
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.