[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
You Might Also Like
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Wait a minute…
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Breaking news: